性吧电台

The teams

DJ Green and Associates: David Green and his four sons, Daniel, 9, Jacob, 8, Benjamin, 6 and Nathan, 3

Baqus Kellie Tolmie, Sam Cherrit and Steve Baker

Bennington Green Associates Lynne Hatton,Keith Kirkwood, Daniel Opala and Tom Willis

G&H Mike Crane, Sara Quick and Simon Starks

性吧电台 Thom Gibbs, Michael Willoughby and Emily Wright

Assorted architects, surveyors and contractors are standing around on a beach while a man crouched on a 2m-high heap of sand lectures them on how to make mud pies. It鈥檚 simple. You just mix sand and water to form patties, and you pile them up slowly to build a tower. 鈥淩ub some dry sand around the edges, then give it a little bit of a pat on top to get the air bubbles out,鈥� he says. The demonstration has been going on for some time and the audience is beginning to fidget.

Don鈥檛 they realise how lucky they are? Mark Anderson is Britain鈥檚 leading sand sculptor, and 性吧电台 has secured his unique services for the day to preside over our sandcastle building competition. We鈥檝e managed to drag five teams of construction folk away from their desks to take part, all hoping to show off their professional skills by transforming a heap of sand into a fabulous structure. The teams are from QS Baqus, surveyor Bennington Green Associates (BGA), contractor G&H Group, architectural practice DJ Green (鈥淭he Greens鈥�) and 性吧电台 magazine (see the box overleaf for who鈥檚 in which).

There was, apparently, only one place to take them: Weymouth. It鈥檚 not just its old-time, kiss-me-quick British charm that recommends the place, although there are plenty of holidaymakers enjoying the donkey rides and picture-postcard-perfect beach front. No, it鈥檚 the sand.

鈥淚鈥檝e been sandsculpting all over the world for 20 years and whenever I come back to Weymouth, I鈥檓 struck by the feel of the sand. It鈥檚 like silk,鈥� says Anderson, who has suddenly gone all misty-eyed.

With his demonstration turret taking shape, he changes tack. 鈥淵ou could form a sphere,鈥� he says, deftly creating a sand cricket ball, which is passed round the crowd, who raise appreciative eyebrows.

For a more organic look, the teams could try a 鈥渄rip castle鈥� 鈥� basically a handful of wet sand trickled slowly to form a stalactite.

It looks straightforward enough and the teams are itching to get stuck in. But Anderson is clearly absorbed. Finally he looks up from his turret. 鈥淚s everybody happy? Okay then, you鈥檝e got three hours.鈥�

And they鈥檙e off鈥�

The Greens: The Greens comprise dad David and his four sons. They did have a plan, but they鈥檝e left it at home. Luckily nine-year-old Daniel, the team鈥檚 concept architect, has done a new sketch of a three-tiered structure. Competitive dad David stamps on top of the pile of sand that will one day become it. 鈥淐ome on boys, we need to do three tiers like Daniel designed it.鈥�

David will, he explains regretfully, have to do quite a lot of bossing of his young team. This is purely for health and safety reasons 鈥� he doesn鈥檛 want anyone getting hurt.

Baqus: Steve scrambles to the top of a big heap of sand. Down at its base, Sam starts making balls of sand and passing them up to Steve. Steve鈥檚 not happy with the first. 鈥淚t needs to be bigger 鈥� and do you call that tight?鈥� It鈥檚 already pretty obvious who鈥檚 in charge here. Baqus鈥� design comprises three identical towers, they say. As lumps of sand are amassed, Steve explains to nobody in particular that 鈥渋t鈥檚 not hard physically, it鈥檚 more the mental exertion鈥�. Meanwhile, down below him, Sam is sweating as he frantically shovels sand while Kellie drags over a large bucket of water, nearly buckling under the strain 鈥�

BGA: Boss Keith Kirkwood is using the competition as an ingenious test of Tom and Daniel鈥檚 mettle. He鈥檚 holding a picture of London landmark Tower Bridge. 鈥淭his is what we鈥檙e aiming for. It was the hardest thing I could find.鈥� Some challenge given that this is their second day in the industry.

性吧电台: The team spent the train journey from London poring over pictures of the Palace of Versailles, Battersea Power Station, Tate Modern and Hever Castle, but discarded them in favour of Hogwarts. They鈥檙e hoping a replica of Harry Potter鈥檚 boarding school, turrets and all, will secure them the populist vote. Typical hacks.

Five minutes in, though, and Thom is already backpedalling. 鈥淚t鈥檚 inspired by Hogwarts, rather than an accurate representation 鈥︹�� Meanwhile, team-mate Michael has reverted to a different though equally ambitious brief: Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria. 鈥淧rince Ludwig built it for Wagner because he was in love with him. We鈥檙e mixing high and low culture.鈥�

G&H: The team have already scaled down their project. They had planned on an exact replica of Walmer Castle in Kent, an elaborate 16th-century structure comprising concentric walls, four circular bastions and a drawbridge with a circular keep at its centre. 鈥淚 think it鈥檚 going to be more like a Barbie castle now,鈥� confesses Mike. Which is fitting because the team have brought along a Barbie doll.

Two hours to go鈥�

The Greens: Daniel鈥檚 three-tiered structure has morphed into a ziggurat. This is a pragmatic rather that an aesthetic decision: it makes it easier for the shorter members of the team to ascend the pile of sand. While his older brothers are engaged in patting and shaping, three-year-old Nathan is running amok at the base of the structure, wrecking their work with a beatific smile on his face. 鈥淒ad, he鈥檚 ruining it!鈥� shouts Jacob as another of his levelled steps collapses. David is jumpy, torn between mediating between the warring factions within his project team and listening for his phone. He鈥檚 waiting for an important call from a personalised numberplate auction.

Baqus: hurriedly shore up its cracking foundations. After a frenzy of activity it seems that the three-identical-towers design has been revised. 鈥淓r, each tower is going to be completely different now,鈥� says Steve.

BGA: Keith whips out a surprise prop: a three-foot long plank of mdf. It鈥檚 easier to see how they might achieve some sort of bridge now. But will it be enough to replicate the Victorian grandeur of its subject?

G&H: Walmer Castle is starting to take shape. There鈥檚 an external wall with a pile of sand inside it that Simon says is the beginnings of the 鈥渋nner keep鈥� and the Barbie doll is sitting wonkily on top of it. Simon has brought the Barbie along in a box of other props, some stranger than others. There are cowboys and Indians, a couple of horses, some string, nails and an implement that Simon thinks may be from his fondue set.

One hour to go 鈥�

性吧电台: Tension is mounting in the motley crew 性吧电台 has entrusted with its construction cred. 鈥淚t鈥檚 too wide!鈥� Michael is exclaiming. 鈥淚 think we should start again.鈥� Actually, the huge mound of sand doesn鈥檛 appear to have changed much in 20 minutes. Emily has a brainwave. 鈥淚t鈥檚 beginning to look like something 鈥� let鈥檚 cut out some mountain passes!鈥� She tries to dig a hole in the side, but she needs water. She dips the tips of her fingers into the bucket of water and looks hopefully around. 性吧电台鈥檚 impartial reporter indicates the jug 鈥� it can鈥檛 be cheating when your team looks that incompetent 鈥�

G&H: It鈥檚 become clear what Simon intended the nails and string for. He鈥檚 rigged them up to resemble a drawbridge. The castle鈥檚 fully formed, complete with inner keep. Now the team are working on the hill beneath, smoothing it down and carving a pathway snaking down from the drawbridge.

Half an hour to go 鈥�

The Greens: This is looking like a classic sandcastle, comprising tiers of sand topped with turrets clearly formed by packing sand into buckets. 鈥淚t鈥檚 taking shape,鈥� says David. 鈥淭he important thing is keeping the kids busy but out of the way.鈥� While David upturns another bucket of sand onto the pile, Daniel is studiously ignoring his father. He is absorbed in energetically digging a completely unrelated hole.

Baqus: There鈥檚 some disagreement among the team about whether the three towers should have been identical after all. 鈥淣o castle has two towers the same, everyone knows that,鈥� says Kellie. Steve looks at the sandcastle doubtfully; his confidence seems to be wavering. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e going to win to be honest.鈥� 鈥淲ell, at least we鈥檙e not the worst,鈥� says Sam, looking pointedly at the 性吧电台 entry.

性吧电台: By now the team has given up. Michael and Thom are sitting on the ground looking dejected, while Emily is playing with one of the Green children.

BGA: The team鈥檚 creation is looking not a million miles away from Tower Bridge. The new recruits have even made a car out of Weymouth鈥檚 putty-like sand, while Lynne is carving a brick pattern into each tower.

G&H: Simon鈥檚 cowboys, Indians and horses are dotted all over the sandcastle, with Barbie taking pride of place in the middle of the central keep like some immense Freudian metaphor. It鈥檚 come together impressively 鈥� the only prop left over is the fondue fork. Yet Mike confesses that things have not gone as expected. 鈥淭his is a design-and-build job,鈥� he says. 鈥淭he result looks nothing like the plan.鈥�

The public vote

Five o鈥檆lock and the teams down tools and stand anxiously next to their creations while our reporters quietly poll onlookers for their judgments on each sandcastle.

鈥淭he sheer variety is the first thing that strikes you,鈥� says one of them. You can鈥檛 argue with that. The Green family鈥檚 traditional sandcastle is impressing the voters, 鈥渋t鈥檚 naive, but classic鈥�, says one informed-sounding observer. Then there is Baqus鈥� 鈥渢hree non-identical towers鈥� design, which is not so much lopsided as 鈥渃hallenging鈥�, a few bystanders decide, diplomatically.

BGA鈥檚 Tower Bridge replica seems to be impressing quite a few people, as is G&H鈥檚 design, which looks a lot like a real-life castle. Sadly, the 性吧电台 team鈥檚 lump of grey mush doesn鈥檛 appear to be catching the attention of many voters. Even Emily鈥檚 attempt to cheer it up with a sprinkling of silver stars hasn鈥檛 helped.

Finally, the votes are in. A clear winner emerges, and it鈥檚 over to Mark to announce that it is 鈥� G&H. And it鈥檚 no surprise. 鈥淭his sandcastle has it all: turrets, walls, an inner keep, drawbridge, cowboys, Indians and of course, a Barbie princess,鈥� Mark concludes approvingly. He presents G&H with a bottle of champagne and the adults head off to the pub. Relaxing with our beers, it鈥檚 clear there are no hard feelings. Even the 性吧电台 team is feeling proud of its achievement 鈥�

But one team hasn鈥檛 made it to the pub 鈥� the Greens are still at the beach. Finally, the children have their way and start leaping on the sandcastles, gleefully. In minutes, the results of the day鈥檚 labours are reduced back to shapeless piles of sand.

Team Green

This is no mere castle. The Greens have given us a prototype for fortress complexes of the future.

Note the massive permasteel glacis at its base, the row of laser towers above it. And should any assailant make it to the inner keep, they will be met by photon torpedoes, molten lead and live tigers. Alright! This is what sandcastles ought to be like 鈥�

Team Baqus

This team鈥檚 entry flirts with symbolism, feints in the direction of conceptual art but finally refuses to submit to the reductionist taxonomy of a conventional criticism. Rather, it seems to say, take me for what I am 鈥� three unequal lumps of sand on a big hill 鈥� and love me anyway

Team building

A typically brilliant display by the 性吧电台 team, inspired partly by the austere villes perch茅es of the French Corbi猫res, partly by the deranged Bavarian romanticism of mad Prince Ludwig. Its contradictions are contained if not resolved, by an engineering framework that combines the abstract beauty of pure mathematics with a sad, even tragic acknowledgement that all human endeavour must end in decay and dissolution. [Will that do, guys?]

Team BGA

Here we have Tower Bridge reimagineered as a Greek Orthodox cathedral. The final structure is as remarkable for the severe geometry of Lynne Hatton鈥檚 facade, which combines the fin de si猫cle lyricism of Charles Rennie Mackintosh with the poetic functionalism of Norman Foster, as it is for the bold use of prefabricated mdf to cheat solve the tricky problem of making sand stretch across a large gap

The winners

Team G&H

Okay, so it鈥檚 populist. Okay, so it鈥檚 historically, geographically and architecturally inaccurate. Okay, so the fact that it鈥檚 plastered with G&H flags is a shameless example of product placement. The fact remains that this was the only entry to include cowboys and, relative to the cowboys, a 6m-high woman. This brought together the bleak existential drama of Unforgiven and the arch postmodern irony of Shrek, combining them in an oedipal Freudian narrative. None of the other entries could compete with this for sheer pretentiousness. Oh, and there were towers and stuff that were quite good too 鈥�