1666 and all that

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A month after the Great Fire, King Charles was keen for the Reconstruction Commission to get to grips with sustainability as part of a rebranding strategy going forward. Sir Christopher Wren takes up the story 窶ｦ

A trying morning at the London Reconstruction Commission. Before I窶囘 even had a chance to get my wig out (I never put it on before I get to work since I cycle in), Charles II came flouncing through the door with that 窶廬窶况e just had a good idea窶� look on his face. 窶弩ren!窶� he expostulated. Then he waited for a moment while that chap who follows him around with the trumpet finished. 窶弩ren,窶� he started again, 窶廬窶况e just had a good idea.窶�

窶廬ndeed, sir?窶�

窶廬ndeed, sir! You know what this commission needs, Wren? It needs to engage the public interest.窶�

窶彝eally, sir? I mean, I think we窶况e pretty much done that. We are rebuilding their homes and businesses after all. That seems to have piqued their interest,窶� I ventured.

窶弃ooh, pooh!窶� said Charles II clicking his fingers at that chap who he has follow him around to make dismissive hand gestures as and when necessary. 窶廬窶冦 not hearing enough chatter about this commission. You need to be on people窶冱 minds, on their lips. You need to be in the 窶弩hat窶冱 Hot窶� bit of the town cryer窶冱 proclamation and not the 窶弩hat窶冱 Not窶� bit. Am I right?窶�

窶弩ell, sir, I 窶凪�

窶廸obody窶冱 talking about it, Wren. Whenever I hear people on the street they always seem to be saying things like 窶露s that the King over there?窶� or 窶聾hat窶冱 with that dismissive hand gesture guy who窶冱 following him around?窶� Never anything about you shower. So here窶冱 what you do: rebrand.窶�

窶彝ebrand the London Reconstruction Commission, sir?窶�

窶廨ot it in one. I窶况e had the chaps in marketing look into this and here窶冱 what they窶况e come up with.窶� The King unfurled a stitched vellum pennant on which was the legend 窶彝ebuild!窶� 窶廬t窶冱 your new name,窶� he said. 窶廬 had them do it in copperplate because I wanted a font that was funky and now and yet classy enough to say 窶路ey! We窶决e a top drawer operation.窶吮�

窶彜ir, I 窶凪�

窶弩ren, nothing gives a quango a sense of purpose like a with-it new name. Look what a difference there was in media coverage once I made the plague doctors call themselves the Bubo Dudes. So. You窶冤l be getting new headed stationery, more calling cards than you can possibly use and an expensive office fit-out to reflect the new colour scheme and vision.窶�

I know better than to argue with the King so I indicated my acquiescence with a slight bow. I had wanted to spend the morning looking at the replanning pitches that had arrived (in particular to try to fathom Baroness Hadid窶冱, which she窶囘 sent in the form of a mﾃｶbius strip made of cedar bark in a pat of butter, to which was appended a note reading 窶廬t窶冤l basically look something like this窶�) and so was keen to get the King on his way. He, however, had more to say.

This Portland Stone for St Paul窶冱 can be renewed by geological processes every few million years. It is, therefore, sustainable

窶廣nd we窶决e going to need some buzzwords. Buzzwords are the building blocks of talking points, talking points are the girders of debate and debate is窶ｦ窶� He raised his eyebrows.

窶懌ｦchatter, sir?窶� I ventured.

窶廢xactamundo, as my wife might say. I窶冦 thinking sustainability.窶�

窶彜ustainability, sir? What does that mean?窶�

窶廬t doesn窶冲 matter what it means, Wren, people don窶冲 know what buzzwords mean, they just like the sound of them. But if anyone asks, we窶冤l say it窶冱 about building materials. What were houses made of before the fire?窶�

窶弩ell, sir 窶ｦ wood, straw, rat filth, bits of old plague victim 窶ｦ窶�

窶廣ha!窶� said Charles, pointing at the chap whose job it is to bang tables for him. 窶廣nd what are the disadvantages of these?窶�

窶廬 suppose the principal disadvantage is that they go on fire, sir.窶�

窶廸o, Wren. For our purposes it is that these materials have no sustainability. You can窶冲 just go round making new wood. Once a tree窶冱 gone it窶冱 gone. Whereas this Portland Stone you窶决e using for St Paul窶冱 can be renewed by natural geological processes every few million years. It is, therefore, sustainable. That窶冱 what we窶冤l tell people. It窶冱 all about the presentation, Wren. Just ask John Webb. How do you think he got that extraordinary BREEAM rating for Greenwich Hospital? He窶冱 not known as John 窶呂all The Thames A Fully Automated Waste Recycling Unit窶� Webb for nothing, you know. Nope, you know what I always say: successful building窶冱 about having all your ducks in a row. Why are your ducks never in a row when I see you, Wren?窶�

窶廬 think, sir,窶� I said, looking sympathetically at the ducks flapping about, 窶廬t窶冱 because of that spaniel you always bring with you.窶�

窶廬ndeed,窶� said Charles II, nodding. And with a quick 窶廚ome on, boy,窶� he tugged on the leash and swept out.